Did you here the one about..... 15+
- These Jokes Not Suitable For Children -

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  1. ( Submitted by Lindy )

    THE SCREAMER

    A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
    A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.
    A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
    The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
    "What's all the screaming about in here? You're scaring the customers!" he said.
    The drunk replied, " I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my testicles."
    With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot. You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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  2. A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
    He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
    The guy says, "No, what?"
    "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

    Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
    "Now what?" asks the patron.
    "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

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  3. ( Submitted by Lindy )

    HUSBAND SHOPPING -

    Recently a `Husband Shopping Centre` opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.
    It was laid out on five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor, If you went up a floor, you couldn`t go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
    A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.

    FIRST FLOOR:

    The door had a sign saying, `These men have jobs and love kids.` The women read the sign and said, "Well, that`s better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what`s further up?" So up they went.

    SECOND FLOOR:

    The sign read, `These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.` "Hmmm," said the ladies. "But, I wonder what`s further up?"

    THIRD FLOOR:

    This sign read, `These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.` "Wow!" Said the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there`s more further up." And up they went.

    FOURTH FLOOR:

    This door had a sign saying `These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.` "Oh! mercy me. But just think what must be awaiting us further on." So up to the fifth floor they went.

    FIFTH FLOOR:

    The sign on that door said, `This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f*****g impossible to please.`

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  4. ( Submitted by Trudy )

    MATHS EQUATIONS
    There's a lot of truth in these equations.....................

    Smart man + smart woman = romance
    Smart man + dumb woman = affair
    Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
    Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

    OFFICE ARITHMETIC

    Smart boss + smart employee = profit
    Smart boss + dumb employee = production
    Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
    Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

    SHOPPING MATH

    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

    GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    HAPPINESS

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

    LONGEVITY

    Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

    PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

    DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

    A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
    They stopped, after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

    SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.

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  5. ( Submitted by Jamie )

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
    The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
    So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

    1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
    8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
    9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
    10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
    12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
    13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
    14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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  6. THE NATURE OF ART
    A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society." After the curator left, a Scotsman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

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  7. While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong."What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my talking clock," the man replied."How does it work?" asked one of his friends. "Watch this," the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey a..hole! It's 2 in the f..king morning!"

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  8. A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, " I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador . As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry but your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably ...dead." He then turned to his computer terminal and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?

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  9. ( Submitted by Cathy )

    Little Johnny was in his Kindergarten class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman.
    Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father`s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men."
    The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring in and took little Johnny aside to ask him "Is that really true about your father working in a gay strip club"
    "No" said Johnny,"he really plays test cricket for England but I was too embarrassed to say."

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  10. This guy goes into a chemist shop and asks the pharmacist where the tampons are. The pharmacist directs him to aisle 4. The man comes back in a few minutes with some toilet paper and some cotton balls. The pharmacist asks the man, "Excuse me, it's none of my business, but you asked where the tampons were, and now you come to me with toilet paper and cotton balls. Why?"
    The man responds: "Well, last night I sent my wife to the store for a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some papers. Tonight, it's her turn to roll her own!"

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  11. ( Submitted by Jamie )

    According to a news report,a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would make up their faces in the bathroom. That was fine,but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips against the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.Every night,the maintenance man would remove them and the next day,the girls would do it again. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee,dipped it in the toilet bowel,and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then,there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

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  12. Maria, an Italian woman was extremely religious. When she was married, she refused to use contraception because she felt that birth control was going against God’s will. She and her husband had 17 kids. Maria’s husband got sick and passed away. As time went by, she moved on with her life and married another man. Again, she refused to use contraception because of her religious beliefs. She and her second husband have 15 kids. Again, Maria lost her husband. But soon after her husband’s death, she passed away as well. At the ceremony the priest looked down at the coffin, then looked up at the sky and said,They’re finally together. This confused one of the family members at the service and after the ceremony, asked the priest about it. Father, he starts,back at the cemetery when you said, They’re finally together, did you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband? The father takes a long look at him and says, I was talking about her legs.

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  13. One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is."Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

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  14. Forrest Gump ( Submitted by Jamie )

    Forrest Gump was sent on his way to Heaven. Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates. "I'm sorry Forrest" St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.
    "That's Cool" said Forrest, What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"
    "3 Questions" said St Peter. "Which are?" asked Forrest.
    "The First" said St Peter, " Is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? "The second is: How many seconds are there in a year ?" "The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?" "Now" said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions Forrest, and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."
    So Forrest went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.
    The following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had considered the questions, to which Forrest replied, "I have." "Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"
    Forrest said, " Today . . and Tomorrow." St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
    "Well then Forrest, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, " How many seconds in a year?" Forrest replied, "Just 12!" "Only 12?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure Forrest?" "Easy" said Forest. "There's the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve Seconds." St Peter looked at Forrest and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest. "I'll allow the answer to stand Forrest, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven."
    "Now Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?" Forrest replied," Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."
    "Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer Forrest?"
    "It's Andy."
    "It's Andy??"
    "Yes, it's Andy" said Forrest.
    This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Forrest, asked. "Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"
    "Easy" said Forrest
    "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled ..."

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  15. Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack and Jill's backyard. They suddenly materialize inside the couple's house and address them: ''We come in peace. We want to find out how you humans reproduce. To make an accurate assessment of your procreation process, we would like to - as your species would say - swap partners."
    Being ex-theater majors from a liberal arts college, Jack and Jill agree without hesistation. Jack leads the female alien into one room, while Jill takes the male alien's tenticle and leads him off into another room. Immediately, the male alien starts to strip down to his bare essentials. Jill, seeing the creature's shrunken, pasty, yellow, naked body before her, gasps and says, ''Gee, that's a really teenie weenie." ''Actually, I come in all sizes." With a wink and a smile, the alien slaps his thighs, and magically, his penis pops out to about one foot in length. Jill, giggling with amazement, exclaims "Wow! That's outrageous. Can you do that with your thickness as well?" "No problemo," assurres the well-hung alien. At that, he slaps at his ears, and, "boing," his member inflates out to about a good three inches in diameter. "Yippee. Yahoo," blurts out Jill, and proceeds to give Mr. Spaceman a taste of earth-style mating.
    After about a three hour romp, Jill and Mr. Spaceman (now in smoking jacket and ascot) exit the bedroom and meet up with the other couple already waiting in the kitchen. Jack, seeming somewhat dazed gets up and asks Jill, "How did it go in there?''
    Jill, still a little woozy herself, smiles a goofy shit-eating grin and sings, ''That was by far, the most spectacular, unbelievable, eye-poppingest sex I have ever had. No offense. By the way, how'd it go with Ms. Universe over there?" "Not so well. All she did was slap my ears for an hour and a half."

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  16. This good looking man walks into an agents office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie-star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway.... he had all the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?"
    The guy said "my name is Penis Van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name."
    "I will NOT change my name! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever !"
    The agent said "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years..... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian !! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you."
    "So be it!! I guess, we will not do business together" the guy said....and he left the agent's office.
    FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck....who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed......

    Dear Sir,
    Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
    Thank you for your advice.

    Sincerely,
    Dick Van Dyke

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  17. Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had a very embarassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle woman, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So, he made the supreme sacrifice... and gave up beans. They were married shortly thereafter.
    Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small cafe and the aroma of freshly baked beans was overwhelming & figured he would work off any ill effects before he got home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving, he had eaten three large orders of the best baked beans he'd had in years.
    All the way home, he putt-putted, and after arriving, felt reasonably safe that he had putted his last. His dear wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the diningroom table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned, and then went to answer the phone. He seized the opportunity, lifted his weight to one leg, and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air around him. Things had just returned to normal when another urge coming on him so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a true prize winner! While keeping his ear on the conversation in the hall, he went on like this for ten minutes, until he knew the phone farewells indicated an end to his lonliness, and freedom. He placed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it, and smiling contentedly to himself, was the picture of innocence when his wife returned apologising for taking so long.
    She asked if he had peeked and he, of course, assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise.
    Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a 'Happy Birthday' party for him.

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  18. A young man just got a new job as a ventriloquist. He was to do a comedy act at a local bar. With a dummy sitting on his lap the young man started his act. He started telling the audience dumb blonde jokes. In the middle of a sentence a blonde stood up and hollered, "It's people like YOU who discriminate against people like me! Does the colour of one's hair prove anything? Does it correlate with my IQ? What makes you think that you can stereotype women like that anyways? You are keeping me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching their full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general ...and all in the name of humor!" The embarassed ventriloquist begins to apologize when the blonde yells "Stay out of this! It's that little bastard on your knee that I'm talking to!"

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  19. She was so blonde...

    ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".
    ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
    ...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
    ...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".
    ...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
    ...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
    ...she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
    ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
    ...she tried to drown a fish.
    ...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
    ...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
    ...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
    ...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
    ...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
    ...she tripped over a cordless phone.
    ...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
    ...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius".
    ...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
    ...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
    ...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
    ...she studied for a blood test ...and failed.
    ...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
    ...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
    ...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
    ...she sold the car for gas money.
    ...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
    ...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
    ...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
    ...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
    ...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

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  20. The Toast

    A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. "Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives," she said. "I agree with you completely, ma'am," the man replied. The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. "This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship." "That's a great idea, miss," the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share. "I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?" the man asked. "No, thanks," said the woman. "I'll just wait until the cops get here."

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  21. A Blonde Joke ( Submitted by Trudy )

    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
    A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.She steps out of the car and asks the man whats wrong "I feel terrible!" he explains "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
    The blonde says,"Don`t worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops off out of sight.
    The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
    The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

    Its says-

    Are you ready for this?



    Are you sure?



    This is bad!



    You know, you could just click off and not read the punch line.



    You know you`re gonna be sorry.



    Last chance.



    OK, here it is.........................
    It says,` Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and also adds a permanent wave.`

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  22. Blonde Taking A Test-

    The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes,and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
    Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on."I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."

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  23. This sign was posted at a local golf club

    Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
    Form a loose grip.
    Keep your head down.
    Avoid a quick backswing.
    Stay out of the water.
    Try not to hit anyone.
    If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
    Don't stand directly in front of others.
    Quiet please...while others are preparing to go.
    Don't take extra strokes.
    Well done.
    Now flush the urinal.
    Go outside and tee off!

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  24. A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. ' "House",in French,is feminine-"la maison","pencil" is masculine-"le crayon". '
    One puzzled student asked,"What gender is computer ?"
    The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups - appropriately, by gender - and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

    The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer"), because:
    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer") because:
    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

    The women won.

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  25. Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid."
    That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. Didn't see your sign."
    It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a Ridgeways truck in our driveway. My neighbour comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
    A couple of months ago I went fishing with a mate of mine, we pulled his boat into the ramp, I lifted up this big whiting and this idiot on the ramp goes, "Hey, you catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
    I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it".
    Last time I had a flat tyre, I pulled my car into a gas station. The attendant walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tyre go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled up on me. Here's your sign."
    We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Shit, that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
    I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you knowI misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So.is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."
    I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

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  26. Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and then sends him to his room. On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

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  27. At the nursing home, Abe and Edna had struck up a romantic relationship. Since both of them were in their eighties, their physical contact was rather limited. However, every evening as they sat together on the sofa, Edna would unzip Abe's fly, pull out his penis and hold it in her hand for twenty minutes. This satisfied the two of them adequately. One day, Abe told Edna it was all off. He told her he was leaving her for Mabel - one of the other old dears at the nursing home. Naturally, Edna was a little miffed. "Heavens! What's she got that I haven't got?" she asks. "Parkinson's," said Abe.

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  28. A burglar enters a home and is greeted by "Jesus is watching!" He shines his flashlight around and finds no one. He takes another step to hear "Jesus is watching you." This time he shines the light to discover a parrot. He asks, "Was that you talking ?" The parrot answers "Yes." The burglar asks, "What is your name?" The parrot replies, "Clarence." The burglar asks, "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot replies, "The same idiot that named the Doberman Jesus."

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  29. Q: Why did God create man before woman? A: He didn't want any advice.

    Phone answering machine message
    "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

    A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts.
    The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    I went to the butchers the other day and I bet my friend $50.00 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

    My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
    He was pulled in by a strong currant.

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  30. Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo Burger too fast. The first Texan said to the other, "Think we ought ta' help?" "Yep," said the second Texan. The first Texan got up, hitched up his jeans and walked over to the lady. He asked, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no.With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe. The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

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  31. Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your nuts up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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  32. A boy was playing with himself in the bathtub when his father walked in and said, "Son, if you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind." The boy said, "Dad, I'm over here."

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  33. There was this woman see, and she takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Without her knowing, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet, where the little boy is also hiding. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." Man - remembering last time, asks, "How much?" Boy - "$750." Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

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  34. As an atheist walked through the forest, he smiled at the beauty that was all around him and said, "What natural wonders the powers of evolution have created." Just then he heard a rustling near the river. He went to investigate and a 7-foot-tall grizzly bear was tearing down the path towards him him. The man took off like a shot, and when he got up the courage to look back, he saw the bear was catching up fast. He tried with all his strength to pick up the pace, but he tripped and crashed to the ground. As he tried to get up, the bear jumped on his chest and picked up one paw to whack him. The atheist screamed, "Oh my God!!!" Time stopped! The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice boomed from the heavens, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," the voice said. The light went out, the river ran again, and the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws together, bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.

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  35. WHO IS JACK SCHITT ( Submitted by Trudy )

    For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at loss when someone says,"You don't know Jack Schitt!".
    Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts,you can now respond in an intellectual way.
    Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.Awe Schitt,the fertilizer magnate,married O.Schitt,the owner of Needeep N.Schitt,Inc.They had one son,Jack.
    In turn,Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt,Giva Schitt,Fulla Schitt,Bull Schitt,and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents objections,Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt,a high school dropout.
    After being married 15 years,Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them,she wanted to keep her previous name.She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
    Meanwhile,Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
    Two of the other six children,Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,Byrd,and Hoarse.
    Bull Schitt,the prodigal son,left home to tour the world.He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride,Pisa Schitt.
    Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

    Sincerely,
    Crock O. Schitt

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  36. An eskimo is driving down the road when his car breaks down. He gets on his phone and calls the Eskimo equivalent of the RAA. The mechanic arrives and opens the bonnet, looks into the engine bay and then at the eskimo standing next to him and says "Mate, you've blown a seal." to which the Eskimo quickly replies "No I haven't, thats just frost on my moustache."

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  37. Three women were in hospital having children, their husbands, An AUssie, an West Indian and a New Zealander,could not stomach watching the births so were out sitting in the waiting room. They were all very anxious until the doctor came out and told them all of the births went smoothly, mother and child were doing well, but they had mixed up the children and needed to get the fathers to try and indentify them. The Aussie guy stands up and sprints to the ward, runs over and picks up the black kid. The doctor and WI and NZ'r arrive and the doctor says "I thought of all the children here, this one would be least likely to be yours?" to which the Aussie replies, "Maybe so mate, but one of the other two is a Kiwi and I'm not taking any fucking chances!"

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  38. An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia." The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?""We throw them away, of course." Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

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  39. A married couple was in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you,""My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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  40. Three men had just attended weeks of interviews, done hundreads of tests and non stop trainging to join the C.I.A. they were finished with everything and were in a room with one of the staff awaiting there results. He starts off by saying "You have all done very well but now is the final test... loyalty" he pulled out a gun from the draw and put it on the desk. he said to the first guy "Here is a loaded gun, your wife is upstairs, to get in you must go up and shoot her to prove your loyalty" the first guy picks up the gun but then puts it down and says "I cant do it"... he didn't get in. The second guy takes the gun, walks up stairs but comes back down and says "Sorry but I cant do it" the last guy takes the gun, walks up stairs, the people below hear 3 gun shots then shortly after a lot of banging and noise. the guy came back down and was all tattered, bruised and cut up.. the people asked "What in the world happened?!" and he replied "Once I figured out there were blanks in the gun I had to choke the bitch to death"

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  41. Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God,"Where were you?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "Look son, look what I've made".Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,"What is it?" God replied,"It's a planet and I've put LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there is a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them, that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here, I've put a continent of white people in the north and another one of black people in the south."The archangel then said,"And what's that lump in the middle of nowhere?" And God said "Ah - that is Australia - the Great Southern Land and that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; beautiful Mountains, beaches, gorges, streams, and an exquisite coast-line. These people here are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving. And I'm going to give them this superhuman, undefeatable cricket team which will be blessed with the most talented, and charismatic specimens on the planet, and will be admired and feared by all who come across them.Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said they're was going to be a balance." God replied wisely."Wait until you see the irritating loud-mouthed wankers I'm putting in the island next to them."

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  42. A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No." The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."The Grandpa says, "No, now go play." The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?" The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney world!"

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  43. An ugly social misfit walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face."What are you so happy about?" asks the barman."Well I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke, "you know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tiedto the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did every thing, me on top sometimes, her on top others!" "Fantastic," exclaimed the barman, "you lucky sod. Was she pretty?" "I dunno, I never found her head."

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  44. One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then the man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. By this time everyone had left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. However, the police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. With a smile on his face, the driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy!"

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  45. A guy named Mike received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Mike tried to change the birds attitude and was consistently saying polite words and playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.Nothing worked.He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation,Mike put the bird in the freezer.For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and scream. Then suddenly there was silence! Not a sound for half a minute. Mike freaked out and thought he may have hurt the bird and quickly opened the door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mike's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour, I am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." Mike was astonished at the birds change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,"May I be permitted to ask what the fuck the chicken did?"

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  46. One morning a blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can`t figure out how to start it." Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it`s a tiger." The friend figures he`s pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She let him in and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I`m not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture ofthat tiger." "Second, I`d advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!

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  47. A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell,that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

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  48. A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches... They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and the man is further unimpressed - "I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy".The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn "Is this a road, or a track?" So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn't help himself - "Stupid fuckin' grass hoppers!"

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