Did you here the one about..... 15+
- These Jokes Not Suitable For Children -

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  1. Dumb cowboy, smart Indian ( Submitted by Trudy )

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
    Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says: 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'
    The Lone Ranger replies: 'I see millions of stars.'
    'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says: 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
    What's it tell you, Tonto?'
    'You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent.'

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  2. What do you do?

    After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
    'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
    'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
    'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
    'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
    'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
    'Oh, dear God,I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
    The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

    'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
    'So bust him,' says the Chief.
    'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.
    The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
    'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
    The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
    Cop: 'Bigger.'
    Chief: 'Governor?'
    Cop: 'Bigger.'
    'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
    Cop: 'I think it's God!'
    Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
    Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

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  3. Smart 'arse'

    While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
    The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, and asked, "What's your hurry?"
    To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
    "Oh yeah,"said the cop "what do you do?"
    "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
    The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
    "Well," she said, " I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6ft wide."
    "And just what do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
    "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge........" She answered quickly.

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  4. The Parrot

    A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
    The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
    The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
    The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
    The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."
    When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
    The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
    Moments later, the woman's husband Roger came home from work.
    The bird took one look at him and said, "Hi, Roger!"

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  5. More Blondes

    A blonde girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.
    Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
    Sharon: "Ok."
    Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
    Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

    A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
    "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
    "Come again" says the worker.
    "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

    A blonde enters a sex shop and asks for a small vibrator.
    The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
    She says "I'll take the red one."
    The man replies: "Lady, that's a fire extinguisher!"

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  6. A guy goes to Penrith city council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the armed services?”
    “Yes,” he says. “i was in Vietnam for three years”
    The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then the interviewer asks, “are you disabled in any way?”
    The guy says, “yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”
    The interviewer tells the guy, “ok. i can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 am. to 4:00 pm. you can start tomorrow. come in at 10:00 am.”
    The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 am. to 4:00 pm, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 am.”
    “This is a council job,” the interviewer says. “for the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls ....... no point in you coming in for that”

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  7. An 85yo man goes to the doctor for his regular check-up. The doc asks how he's feeling. He replies, 'never better, I just married a 20yo beauty queen and she's now pregnant'.
    The doc considers what he's just said and says....'I've an older friend like you, he recently went hunting and instead of taking his gun, he accidently took his walking stick. Anyway, he sees this prime beaver sitting next to a stream, so he raises his cane and went 'bang, bang'. All of a sudden 2 shots rang out and the beaver drops dead. What do you think of that?'.
    The 85yo says 'I'd say somebody else has pumped a few rounds into that beaver'.
    The doctor replied, 'My point exactly'.

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  8. Raise in salary request!

    I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

    I do physical labour.
    I work at great depths.
    I plunge head first into everything I do.
    I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
    In fact holidays and weekends is when I toil the most.
    I work in a damp environment.
    I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
    I work in extremely high temperatures.

    _____________________________

    Dear Penis,
    After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

    You do not work 8 hours straight.
    You fall asleep after brief work periods.
    You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
    You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
    You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
    You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
    You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
    You will retire well before you are 65.
    You are unable to work double shifts.
    You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
    As if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

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  9. An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
    Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.
    He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
    The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
    The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call".

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  10. Irish Humour ( Submitted by Aunty Dot )

    Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
    Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."
    Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
    Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

    Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
    The man said, "I do Father."
    The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
    "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
    "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
    O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
    The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
    O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

    O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
    "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
    "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
    O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

    Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
    After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

    Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
    "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

    An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
    "Just water," says the priest.
    The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
    The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

    Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one I just had another fight with the little woman."
    Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
    "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
    "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
    She said, "Come out from under the bed, you coward"

    I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place, Please pass it on.

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  11. The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories:
    "Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
    She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
    "Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?
    "Stay the fuck away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

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  12. Three old men are sitting around the retirement home, complaining.
    "I wish I could piss without pain," the first old man says.
    "Quit your whining, I'm so constipated I never have a regular bowel movement anymore," says the second man.
    "That's nothing," the third man says. "Every morning I have a long pee at 6:00, then I have a regular bowel movement at 6:30."
    "Then what the hell are you complaining about?" the first man asks.
    The third man replies "I don't wake up until 7:00."

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  13. Beer vs. Vagina

    1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
    One point to BEER

    2. Warm beer tastes awful.
    One point to VAGINA

    3. A really cold beer is satisfying.
    One point to BEER

    4. If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
    One point to VAGINA

    5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances.
    I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

    6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
    One point to VAGINA

    7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
    One point to VAGINA

    8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
    One point to VAGINA

    9. You normally don't find old beer.
    One point to BEER

    10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
    One point to VAGINA

    11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
    One point to VAGINA

    12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
    One point to VAGINA

    13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
    One point to BEER

    14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
    One point to BEER

    15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
    One point to BEER

    16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner,ale,lager,etc
    One point to BEER

    17. You always know how much beer is going to cost
    One point to BEER

    18. Beer doesn't have a mother
    One point to BEER

    19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it
    One point to BEER

    FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8

    That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

    PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings let alone express them ...

    ... an extra point for BEER

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  14. Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

    In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and in a warm, lawyerly tone asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
    She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
    The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
    She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
    The defense attorney almost died.
    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

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  15. Hollywood Squares ( Submitted by Trudy )

    If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

    Q. Do female frogs croak.
    A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

    Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be.
    A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

    Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
    A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

    Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
    A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

    Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
    A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

    Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
    A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

    Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
    A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

    Q. What are "Do It", "I Can Help", and "I Can't Get Enough"?
    A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

    Q As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
    A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

    Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
    A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

    Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
    A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

    Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
    A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

    Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
    A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

    Q. Can boys join the CampFireGirls?
    A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

    Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
    A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

    Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
    A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
    A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

    Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
    A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

    Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
    A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

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  16. In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first- rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
    Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
    "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
    The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
    "Sure will," said the old-timer.
    The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"
    "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
    "You bet it will," said the old-timer.
    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' something' here. Got any more tips?"
    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.
    " "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
    "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's gonna' shove that gun up your butt and it won't hurt as much."

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  17. Poor Molly
    Molly Meldrum, Robbie Williams and Kylie Minogue went for a night on the town, as they left the night-club, Kylie, half-pissed, slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to. "It's your turn now, Molly" grinned Robbie, but Molly started crying. Robbie asked, "Why are you crying, Molly? What's wrong?" Molly sobbed, "My head won't fit between the railings!!!"

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  18. What is politics?
    A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what is politics?"
    His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."
    So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his nappy. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed.
    The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."
    "You do? Tell me."
    "OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being crapped on!!!"

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  19. Handy Home Hints that Noni Hazelhurst would be proud of.

    1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
    2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
    3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
    4. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
    5. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
    6. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
    7. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
    8. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
    9. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl will make the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
    10. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
    11. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
    12. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
    13. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
    14. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
    15. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
    16. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
    17. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
    18. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
    19. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then read the rest in a random order.
    20. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
    21. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
    22. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
    23. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
    24. Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.
    25. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

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  20. Norman and his blonde wife live in Barrie.
    One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
    A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
    The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.

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  21. A man had been lost and wandering in the Chinese wilderness for 3 months. All he had to eat was what he could forage and was forced to sleep wherever he could find meager shelter.
    One day he came upon an old farm house. In answer to his knock, an old Chinese gentleman asked "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
    "I have been lost in the wilderness for 3 months and have not had a decent meal or nights sleep in just as long. May I stay the night?" The old man agreed under the condition that there be no messing with his granddaughter. "I will cause you no trouble," the man said.
    "That's very good," said the old man, "because if I catch you with my granddaughter, you will suffer the three most severe Chinese tortures." The granddaughter attended the evening meal and the man was awestruck by her beauty. Since he had been alone for so long and she had not been with a man in her life, they could hardly keep their eyes off of each other during the meal.
    Later that night the man crept into her room and they had a terrific time together. They were careful to be quiet lest they awaken the grandfather.
    Afterwards, the man returned to his room (on the third floor), and thought: "That marvelous experience was worth enduring a thousand tortures." He then fell promptly asleep and had the best sleep in three months.
    Upon awakening, he felt an incredible weight on his chest. He then realized that there was a 100 pound rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that read: "1st Chinese Torture - 100 Pound Rock On Chest." This is some lame torture thought the man as he carried it over to the window and threw it out. Then he noticed another sign on the bottom of the rock: "2nd Chinese torture - Right Testicle Tied To Rock." Knowing that it was too late to catch the rock, the man hurled himself out of the window after it. Passing through the window the man saw a third sign on the window ledge: "3rd Chinese Torture - Left Testicle Tied To Bedpost."

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  22. Lesson Learned

    I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
    There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.
    One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
    I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

    Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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  23. A Good Sleep

    By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You;ve got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
    "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
    "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
    The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
    "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.
    "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
    "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

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  24. Three Bulls

    Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
    The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."
    The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
    The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
    They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
    The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
    The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
    They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm. The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
    The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

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  25. Prayers - I think this sums up the difference between what woman and men want.

    FEMALE PRAYER:

    Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man,
    who's not a creep.
    One who's handsome, smart and strong.
    One who loves to listen long,
    One who thinks before he speaks,
    When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
    I pray that he is gainfully employed,
    When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
    Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
    Massages my back and begs to do more.
    Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
    Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
    I pray that this man will love me to no end.
    And never attempt to hit on my friend.
    And as I kneel and pray by my bed.
    I look at the creep you sent me instead. Amen.

    MALE PRAYER:

    I pray for a rich beautiful deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen.

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  26. Mom Knows Best

    Michael invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Michael's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Michael and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Michael and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Michael volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just roommates."
    About a week later, Joanne came to Michael and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Joanne said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
    So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
    Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Joanne, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Joanne. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

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  27. Two whales, a male and a female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years before. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over and make them think twice about killing innocent whales!" the female agrees, and the plan works perfectly.
    Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming, or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore. Let's gobble them up!"
    Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative; "Look", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing the seaman!"

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  28. THE NATURE OF ART

    A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
    The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
    After the curator left, a Scotsman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
    "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
    "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

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  29. Why We Love Children ( Submitted by Debbie )

    1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
    "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
    You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
    "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

    2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
    "What?"
    "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
    "No, You had your chance. Lights out."
    Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
    "WHAT?"
    "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
    I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
    Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
    "WHAT!"
    "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

    3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
    The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

    4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
    The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
    A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

    5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
    The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

    6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
    She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
    I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
    "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

    7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
    His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
    The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
    "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
    "Yes," he answered.
    Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
    The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
    The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
    After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

    8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
    She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
    The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
    One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
    The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

    9. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
    Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
    The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
    "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

    10. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
    The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
    She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

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