Did you here the one about..... 15+
- These Jokes Not Suitable For Children -

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  1. A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed. Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender`s neck and killing her. Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the conductor won`t die. So again, he is set free. Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the ectrocution.At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret - "what is it with the bananas?" "Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it", replies our friend. "I`m just a bad conductor."

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  2. An 90 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen." The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "He what?" she cried."He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been pissing in the refrigerator!"

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  3. A man had just placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and had started to walk back to his car when his attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a nearby grave. He seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept wailing, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Approaching the mourner he said, "Sir, I don`t want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I`ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?" "My wife`s first husband!!"

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  4. Judi goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest." Judi very calmly states, "No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual... "If you need anything just let me know."A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Judi. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be ok? What's wrong?" Judi breaks down in tears, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!

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  5. A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "But the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too," said the man sitting next to him.

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  6. Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school.Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very Good", and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. Later, the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child?" And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!" The Teacher fainted.

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  7. A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.""What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying such terrible things, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman exclaimed.The next day the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, dude! Our prayers have finally been answered!"

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  8. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 A.M. The next day at 8:45 a.m., there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

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  9. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
    Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note - must do more sit-ups. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm loth,legcloth,long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.Turn off the shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend and hour and a half getting dressed.

    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom.If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass. Fart.Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one). Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). Make a shampoo Mohawk. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.Pee (in the shower).Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.Partially dry off.Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire wiener size again.Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.Leave bathroom fan and light on.Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.Throw wet towel on the bed. Get dressed in under two minutes.Fart.

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  10. Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A con*dom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any chemist. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely(she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very quietly asks what brand she prefers. Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel. The pharmacist fainted.

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  11. A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for exceeding .05 Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot. Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!? Driver: Yes, mate. Hearing this, the officer immediately called for backup. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the sergeant approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Sergeant: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Sergeant: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers. The driver owned the car. Sergeant: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Sergeant: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Boot is opened; no body. Sergeant: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot. Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding as well.

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  12. Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
    A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

    Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

    Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

    Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

    Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
    A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

    Q: Why do men break wind more than women?
    A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

    Q:If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

    Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A: A woman that won't do what she's told.

    I married Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
    I don't like to interrupt her.

    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
    It's called a Wedding Cake.

    Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
    Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

    Our last fight was my fault:
    My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.

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  13. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

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  14. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

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  15. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

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  16. The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really having an answer, the chief replied that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter? "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and ordered them to go and find every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely sure," the man replied, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

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  17. An Aussie was sitting with a Kiwi and a Malaysian in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden, Saudi police entered and arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death, but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life. As it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." So the Malaysian guy thought for a while and then said: "Please be tying a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Kiwi watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back". But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through again. Before the Aussie could say something, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "As you are from a popular country, and your cricket and rugby teams are terrific, and your women beautiful, you can have two wishes!". "Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Aussie replies. "My first wish is: I would like to have 40 lashes." "If you so desire", the Sheik replies with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?" "Tie the Kiwi to my back", the Aussie answers.

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  18. A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! - and all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks". The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. "As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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  19. A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck." "Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

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  20. Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he is so successful that he gave his friend a new home for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave his friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded." The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee a few minutes later. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar." The other three grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes and a stock portfolio."

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  21. A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off???" "No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest. "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

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  22. A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?", asked the Doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", she said. "All over? Be a little more specific". said the Dr. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger & yelled. "Ow, that hurts". Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "That hurts,too". Then she touched her right earlobe,"That even hurts" she cried. The Dr. looked at her thoughtfully for a moment & asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."

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  23. The Night Before Xmas

    Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat,
    The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
    The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
    It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
    Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
    Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
    When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
    That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
    Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
    Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
    The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd build,
    Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
    When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
    But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
    With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
    A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
    Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
    And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
    Whoa Shithead, Whoa Asshole, Whoa Stupid, Whoa Putz,
    Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts!.
    Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit that tree,
    Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
    They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
    Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub
    And then from the roof, we heard such a clatter
    As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
    I was donning my jacket to cover my ass
    When down the chimney Santa came with a crash
    His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
    He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore
    "That was some brothel," he said with a smile
    "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile"
    He walked to the kitchen, and poured a strong drink,
    Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
    I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
    The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
    Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
    But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
    The first he found was a pair of false tits,
    The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
    A box filled with condoms was Santas next find,
    And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
    A bra without nipples, a penis extension
    And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
    A fuck ring, a G-String and all types of oil,
    A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
    "This stuff aint for kids, Mrs Santa will shit!,
    So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split"
    He filled every stocking and then took his leave
    With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve
    He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
    Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
    In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch
    Saying "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a bitch"
    The sleigh was near gone, when we heard Santa shout,
    "The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"

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  24. A blonde is driving down the highway when suddenly her mobile phone rings and its her husband and he says "darling, i just saw on the news that there is a car driving on the wrong side of the highway and id like to tell you to be carefull" the blonde replys and says "1 ? theres bloody hundreds of them"

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  25. A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period,'' said the little boy. "Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack,Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

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  26. There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!'' The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.'' To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop. The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

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  27. It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. ''Hello?'' says a little girl's voice. ''Hi, honey, it's Daddy,'' says Bob. ''Is Mommy near the phone?'' ''No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'' After a brief pause, Bob says, ''But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!'' ''Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!'' ''Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.'' ''Okay, Daddy!'' A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. ''Well, I did what you said, Daddy.'' ''And what happened?'' ''Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.'' ''Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?'' "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.''
    There is a long pause.
    ''Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?''

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  28. Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of.Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room.His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.This goes on for sometime and day after day the mother tries to understand. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head."Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

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  29. Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist" The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know.... Wash, Iron, Feed, Etc." A second gal answers their question before they even ask it: "I'm a BITCH." "What exactly is a BITCH?!?", they ask in unison. "Babe In Total Control of Herself." So ladies, next time somebody calls you "a Bitch" SMILE...and say "Thank You!!"

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  30. A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

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  31. A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car having sex?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".

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  32. A 75 year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 75 year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeeze's it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the damn jar open!"

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  33. Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow to watch the All Blacks and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I don't feel so good" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had prostate problems, and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion eh!" The second Pommy doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness eh". "What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls." "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!

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  34. There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body and noticed that he was sun- tanned all over, with the exception of his penis which he readily decided to do something about. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out! Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane - upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady-.
    "There is really no justice in this world". The other little old lady said, "What do you mean?"
    The other little old lady said, "Look at that----!"
    When I was 20 I was curious about it - when I was 30, I enjoyed it
    When I was 40 I asked for it - When I was 50 I paid for it.
    When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.
    And now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild - and I'm too old to squat!

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  35. A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The Kid said, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The Kid said "$101,237.64" The Boss said "What! $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" The Kid then told the boss, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic could pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
    The Kid said, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said," Well, your weekend's screwed, you might as well go fishing.'"

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  36. One evening last week, my wife and I were getting ready for bed. After a couple of bottles of wine with supper, the passion started to heat up. But she eventually says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I turn over and go to sleep. The very next day we went shopping at a big downtown department store. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $150 each to which I say "OK". Then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said,"Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man." I figure that I should be sleeping in the same bed as her sometime during the Summer.

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  37. HOW TO WASH YOUR CAT

    1. Clean the toilet (optional).
    2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.
    3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
    4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. CAUTION Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find.)
    5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash" And "rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.
    6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
    8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

    Sincerely,
    The Dog

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  38. A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 10 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him. Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of fuel. He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari. The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."
    The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."
    The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him. He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly.The driver jumps out exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?"
    The farmer shook his head and said, "That's not a collar. That's his asshole. He's not used to stopping that fast."

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  39. Subject: Women's Lib International Conference
    The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."(The crowd cheered).
    The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said,"After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing but mine as well.(The crowd again cheered).
    The third speaker, a Samoan lady, stood up and said,"Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Pili, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued,"Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye."

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  40. There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.' This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age. A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. "Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, keep telling me they've fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

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  41. A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Many tried, all failed. Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn't make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop. The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces." When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."

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  42. One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence. Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."

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  43. It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and freshsqueezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
    "All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'"
    "Breakfast was my idea."

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  44. READING HEBREW

    A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David. It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3,000 years old. The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they ere evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically.
    But, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, " Idiots!! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!"

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  45. Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city. They decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie, with their ten-year-old son around, was to get him to report on neighborhood activities from the balcony. They thought that spying would happily distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. Then, "An ambulance just drove by." A few more moments passed and he called, "Looks like the Andersons have company." And then, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are screwing." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

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  46. One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back. The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."
    The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"

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